There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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