i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
