If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
