So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
