we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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