well I can't set my house on fire every night
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
