I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
