Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
