Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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