I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
