my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
