And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Text me some of your sweat
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
