At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
