I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
