Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
