Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
