Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
