am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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