I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
