Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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