Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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