this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When did angry sex become our thing?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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