When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
