The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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