I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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