Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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