So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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