hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
