the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
