don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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