I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
