It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
