we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
