I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
