Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
