I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
