you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
