Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize