I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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