Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Terrible idea I love it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
