so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
