i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
