I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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