he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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