Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
