Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
