we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
