i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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