I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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