Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You can't motorboat a personality
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
