I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
