i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
